All media enquiries, including enquiries about theatre performances, speaking engagements, writing commissions, requests to play harmonica, guitar, piano (particularly Beethoven’s 8th), accordion, Redemption Train, or two legged stool, should be directed to Lucien “Mumbles” Le'Strange, my Public Relations Manager. "Mumbles" has no phone, no email address nor has he a permanent abode. He gets no mail, has few friends, avoids people if he can but is a fine representative of those artists who, from time to time, wish to secure additional employment.

He can be found, should you wish to avail yourself of any of the aforementioned services, in one of the following locations – on Thursday evenings only, wandering the back streets and alleyways of Newtown, seeking out a decent Turkish Pide, or on the third Monday morning of the month, when he gladly volunteers his time, standing under the Sydney Central Railway Station clock offering travel tips to tourists. He may also be seen playing the piano accordion, usually Country Folk or middle-to-late period Klezmer, in order to lighten the mood and earn a few dollars, or, usually on Sunday mornings or late Tuesday afternoons, sitting in the back corner of a nondescript yet charming cafe and bar in Buenos Aires, dwelling on a double Ristretto or sipping an unpretentious yet delicate Pinot Gris, taking his time over a florentine or bacon and egg roll reading either a novel by Balzac, Dickens or Proust, or an early copy of Readers Digest. You may also find him carrying around a book on the history of early Byzantine architecture or the latest copy of Bait & Tackle magazine. Alternatively, if you’re based in Europe and are prepared to pay for return business class travel to the European city of my choice, he can be found, usually on, but not restricted to, Wednesday afternoons and Friday evenings, visiting the museums and galleries of either Prague, Budapest, Naples or Berlin, in between frequenting various gymnasiums where he can be seen lifting very heavy weights.

“Mumbles” also does not carry with him any business cards, has no website, Facebook page or Instagram account to speak of and does not permit the taking of his photograph. The best way to recognise him, should you wish to avail yourself of my services, is by matching a likeness of him presented to the left, or perhaps to the right, to any of the aforementioned locations on the corresponding aforementioned days undertaking any of the aforementioned activities. We meet once every three months at the back of an inner city Flamenco bar, though neither of us likes to dance, in either Barcelona, Havana or Dunedin, to discuss any offers you put forward, so you can be assured your enquiry will be taken seriously. All contracts will drawn up using only the finest Nepalese paper produced from the Lokta plant, grown at an altitude not lower than three thousand metres above sea level.

Please be respectful in approaching him, address him initially as Mr Le'Strange, until and unless he invites you to call him "Mumbles", he is sensitive to light and to sudden movements. He does also not take kindly at all to foul language or the use of cliche ridden metaphor. Neglecting these fundamental protocols will result in instant dismissal of your offer regardless of its scope and generosity. Failing that, you could always just fill in the supplied fields here, with an accompanying message and I will attempt, unlike "Mumbles", to master modern technology and get in touch.

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